Simon Peter asked Jesus “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Until seven times?  And Jesus answered Peter: “Not only seven times but even to seventy times seven.”   

                                                                                                   Matthew 18:21-22

 Forgiveness is not condoning the offender’s behavior, nor is it having to reconcile with that person because that may be impossible.  Forgiveness is a choice.  You have the choice to hold on to your resentment, grievances and pain or you can let it go.  Believe me, your ego loves the pain and suffering and does not want to let it go.  You’ve heard the saying “misery loves company.”   Your ego will not only make you suffer, but it will try to make the offender suffer as well.

All grievances begin when something happens to us that we didn’t want to happen.  From there we blame.  We blame because of our inability to manage our anger and pain, and then we tell our grievance story; and sometimes over and over and over. 

How many of you are holding on to a grievance? 

I know how hard it is to let go of emotional pain.  It is like a wound.  You start to heal and the wound gets a scab.  Then something triggers the memory and the pain is back.  It is like the scab is knocked off and the wound starts oozing.  Your goal is for the wound to become a scar.  You will know your emotional wound has become a scar when you can talk about the event without any emotional attachment to it.  When it brings up no emotion in you—you are healed.

Below are steps to help you permanently heal your emotional wounds. 

1.       Examine your feelings about what happened and tell a trusted friend.  Do not tell the world and keep reliving your hurtful experience.  You want to move beyond that to the healing process.

2.       Do what you have to do to feel better.  YOUR GOAL IS PEACE.  The moment you start feeling upset, change your focus.

3.       Your mind only recalls an event once.  After that you are remembering the memory.  The more you recall that memory, the more you can distort it.  Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset that you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes ago or ten years ago.

4.       You give your power away when you focus on your wounded feelings.  You give your power to the person who hurt you.  Put your energy into looking for another way to meet your positive goals than through the experience that has hurt you. 

Dr. Fred Luskin’s definition of Forgiveness is the peace that emerges as you take a hurt less personally;  you take responsibility for how you feel; and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell.

I challenge you to learn to let go of grievances, resentment, and pain, and let yourself heal.   I want you to remember this quote by George Herbert:  He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass. 

The writing of this speech was inspired by Dr. Fred Luskin’s book “Forgive for Good” and Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring’s book “How Can I Forgive You?”